You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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