i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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