I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
