you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
