the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
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Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
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It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize