our cab driver is having phone sex.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My liver just had a heart attack.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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