seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
