I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
