I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
it was like his penis was on wheels.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
