Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
vagina is talking i cant
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
