My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Thank you for not boning my boss.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
