i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
