38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
