I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
