I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
