He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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