I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize