I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
