just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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