Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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