Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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