his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The Olympian is in my bed
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
