You're my little dorito
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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