If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
