oh god the rape fog is back!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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