I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
