My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
