K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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