Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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