Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
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You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
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After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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