So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he thought i was a dude.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
