Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
