Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
