i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
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Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
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We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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