My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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