My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
