you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
