I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
