If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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