Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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