Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
