I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
