Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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