I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You left your phone here
Wait...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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