Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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