my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
