I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
