the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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