we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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