Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
