i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
BRING THE BAGELS
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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