Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
