3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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