I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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